my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
