You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Randomize
