Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Randomize
