The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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