this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
the liver wants what the liver wants
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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