I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
