The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
New. Vanessa hudgens nude pics
That text made me feel like i signed up for some awesome celeb nude pic reminder
Also, on a completely related note, just came up with an awesome business plan. You in?
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
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