I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
