That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
