I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
