You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Randomize
