I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
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You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
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