mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
