Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
