What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
