I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
