weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
