No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
