New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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