I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
