Old men and throwing up are my life now.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Randomize
