I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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