I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Randomize
