I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
