I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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