After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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