I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
