also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
