My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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