pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Randomize
