remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
