Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
