so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
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this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
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You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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