he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
