I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
