I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
