Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
