I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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