You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.