Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
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i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
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Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"