Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Randomize
