we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
