does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
worst night to have a conscience
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
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