i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
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