then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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