There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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