I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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