i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
