I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
