Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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