What a fucking waste of an outfit
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
