he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
I just found puke in my bra..
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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