oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
