dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
