Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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