She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
