yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
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I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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