The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
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